The Snail Torture OR Going Linsanity

I'm being serious about a snail, yet, I am also in love with a NBA Baller. What will I do about these two very  serious situations that I don't understand? I mean, if I had a chance to talk to Jeremy, I probably would be very proud of myself. At the same time, though, I would get a great chance to actually see the snail's...uh...um...er...you..don't wanna know :( So all I'm sayin' is WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Please post your comments or so called advice. And please,Please,PLEASE don't criticize me because of how I feel(Tya, this mainly means you) SEIYANARA!!!